There are two magnolia trees in our yard. I think I’ve talked about them before on Instagram. The flowering trees in our yard are one of my favorite surprises that this new house gave us. We bought the house in the dead of winter and had no idea that any of the trees flowered. All but one tree in our yard produces flowers - pink and white - all different kinds and timed in such a way that we have color from March through July. It’s incredible and I’m endlessly thankful to whoever designed this yard.
The first ones to flower are the white magnolia trees. We have one on each side of our house. One of them I can see from my bathroom window. And when they started blooming at the beginning of March, I felt so hopeful. Spring is coming! The flowers are blooming! Winter is over.
And then we were hit with 3 days of snow and the magnolia blooms stunted. They froze - literally and figuratively - and didn’t know what to do. They couldn’t go backwards inside their bud - they had grown too much for that. But they couldn’t move forward for fear of dying a quick death due to the frigid temperatures. All they could do was pause in their movement.
This is me.
This is me both in the short term and long term when I think about it. In almost all areas of my life I feel stunted and unable to go backwards or move forward.
Let me elaborate and categorize all the areas of my life that feel like these little frozen magnolia blooms:
MY JOB:
My “career” for the past 16 years has just been a series of highs. I should be grateful for them. And I am. Growing and running Better Life Bags was a dream. Being creative and creating an income for my family and others around me was more than I could have asked for. I decided to close the business - mostly for financial reasons, but also because I was tired and wanted to pursue other things. And then the other things I thought I could pursue have been almost impossible to see through. I feel stuck.
MY FAITH:
Neil and I grew a lot spiritually in these past 16 years, but even that feels stunted right now. I feel frozen in how to move forward with my faith after my eyes and hearts have been open to new ideas as well as observing the way my previous faith community has responded politically and socially over the past 8 years. I want to distance myself from that, but I don’t know what next step to take.
MY MOTHERHOOD:
I was recently watching some old InstaStories from 2017 when I had three kids instead of five. I looked alive and healthy. Sure, motherhood was still hard for me, but I seemed to be thriving despite it all. Today, when I rewatch my stories that I post from the day, I look worn out. I don’t know how to change that. I feel frozen. I feel tired of mothering. I enjoy looking at photos and videos of my kids in the quiet of my room under the covers after they are asleep, but rarely can I get myself to enjoy being WITH them. I can’t go back, but I don’t know how to move forward.
MY CREATIVITY:
Lately, I’ve had a few messages on Instagram about how they miss my old content. The wallpapering, the painting, the room makeovers. I miss it, too. But you know what it takes to do room makeovers and home improvements? Money. And as I’m building back up a new career, it’s going to take a long time to get to where we have disposable income again for wallpaper. I do think there are ways to feed this creative side of mine - especially by incorporating thrifting - but again, I just feel stuck in mud on how to move forward.
MY BODY:
I can’t tell you how discouraging it is to have lost 50 pounds a few years ago just to gain it all back again. It’s embarrassing considering I swore to many of you in my DMs that I would never go back to where I was now that I had a taste of being in a smaller body. I feel like I’m slowly killing my body with sugar, fat surrounding my organs, and a lack of exercise. For many of you, it seems like an easy answer: just start eating better and exercising. But I feel stuck. Somewhat because I’ve been sick for 3 weeks now and even walking up the stairs takes the wind out of my lungs. But I’m starting to think that overeating is a condition I may not be able to overcome without the help of medicine or counseling to take away the “food noise”. When I really listen to my body, I’m only truly hungry about two times out of the day. But the food noise that exists in everyday life is so loud. It’s everywhere and all the time. And it’s hard not to eat when I’m not hungry. So I feel stuck.
What an uplifting post, huh? I think it’ll end up resonating with many of you, though. Because when I asked how you all were feeling emotionally on IG, the bar to slide was just below the 50% mark.
We are not ok. Moms are not ok.
Maybe there is some camaraderie in just knowing that we all aren’t doing ok. Like this is normal. Not ideal, but we aren’t crazy.
You know what else is true? Those magnolia blooms aren’t going to stay frozen in place forever. They will eventually flower. I will eventually move through this feeling of feeling stuck. We will eventually bloom again. YOU will eventually thrive once more.
Sometimes it just takes time.
So what do we do when we feel stuck and can’t move forward? For me, I try to have a baseline that I go back to. Some non-negotiable activities that I just need to maintain until I can find myself growing again. If I can keep these going, soon enough the fog will lift and I’ll be in the best position to start moving forward.
What’s a baseline, exactly? Well, I came up with an acronym to help you figure out what YOUR baseline is. I’ll share the acronym as well as the specific examples from my personal baseline and then I’ll list the ones you all shared on Instagram so that you will have a WEALTH of ideas to pull from to help you nail down YOUR baseline for when life gets hard.